JiltedByWords: How Can I Get the Brothers to Stop Treating Me as if I Am Bad Association?

The following is a fictionalized hypothetical question summarizing what many of those who turn apostate experience beforehand and what JW Advisor would like to say to ones experiencing this before they make a full transition to apostate. The question is generated, but the response to the question is genuine.

JiltedByWords wrote [August 2, 2016 at 6:31 am]:

The elders and the brothers and sisters in the congregations I have attended have told me I am bad association because I chose to exercise my conscience in ways that should not keep me "marked". I do not practice sin and I attend meetings every week and go out in service when I can. What should I do?

JW Advisor: Unfortunately, this is a question that often does not get careful thought like this by those affected by such circumstances.

Don't Blame the Organization

The knee-jerk reaction of complainers is to automatically assume that the attitudes of our brothers and sisters are purely the fault of the organization. The more brothers and sisters that disappoint us in a congregation, the greater our perception that it is the fault of the organization. But we have to remember that there are many more people in positions of authority in the organization than just the governing body. Thus, when one person in that chain is misusing their authority, everyone below them in that chain is affected. Problems that we perceive to be systemic on the local level, if they are not actually ourselves being critical, negative or bucking authority, would more likely be a result of one or more of the above figures of authority failing, in some capacity, to perform their duties properly.

So the problem could lie with a single elder or even with the entire body of elders in a congregation. It might even be that way in multiple congregations we have attended. Because, while congregations tend to be unique in their flavor, they all face the same problems from time to time. And if it is not the problem of an elder(s), either acting improperly or failing to act, it might be the circuit overseer who is acting improperly or failing to act. However, that is not to say that the problem you are having definitely lies with those in authority at all. It could be any number of causes, some external, but most likely internal. Take it from me: it is not likely our publications or the organization as a whole that are the issue.

Get the Facts

Now, you may know you shouldn't be marked for exercising your conscience as long as it does not lead directly to sin, and have not been disciplined by the elders, yet the congregation is treating you as marked. You need to find out why.

There are simple resolutions to this problem. One is to ask the elders directly if you have been marked. If you have not been marked, then you may ask them for help to get the congregation to stop treating you as marked. It is a legitimate request. They can then give a local needs talk to help ones determine how to show love to those who are not worthy of being marked and give ones assistance to improve their service.

If they say that the problem lies with you, then give their words some careful consideration and be introspective. They may be right. Now, if you have not already been told why they are perceiving you as bad association, ask them specifically what it is that makes you bad association. If it is no more than a conscience matter, then ask them why it is considered serious enough for you to be treated as marked though you have not been marked. You might jog their thinking by asking them what the difference is between avoiding you over this matter and keeping you marked. In fact, the resolution to all problems that lead people into apostasy is the need to ask the right questions.

Ask the Right Question

The plague among our apostates is the same plague found among many people in the world. They are not as deep of thinkers as they like to think they are. In fact, they are usually very shallow thinkers who respond to whims, rather than carefully considering their actions. It is a noble thing to sit and think carefully, not in a knee-jerk reaction to a situation, but to think about who is speaking, and whether they may be mistaken or not according to the information provided in the Bible or our publications.

When I come across someone in the ministry who makes a claim about the Bible or about Jehovah's Witnesses that is patently false, I accept that they are not likely alone in their idea and that they genuinely believe what they are saying, and are simply trying to protect themselves. Without voicing that thought, I politely and sincerely say, "That's an interesting thought. Could you tell me where I can find that in the Bible [or which of our publications]?" (Avoid acting arrogant or pompous.)

Of course, since it is not in the Bible or our publications, they will not be able to tell me where to find it. If they are certain it can be found, though not at that moment, they will no doubt tell me to look it up, to do research on it. And that is exactly what I do. When I find what they are basing their ideas on, I go back to them and address it with them politely, showing them the truth of the matter and what the Bible or our most recent publications on the matter really say, and then they have no recourse but to abandon their idea and accept what I show them from the Bible or our publications on the matter.

So the moment someone in your congregation tells you something that sounds off, try asking: "Can you tell me where to find it in the Bible or in our publications?" If they say they can't think of it off the bat, and ask you to do some research on it, then do the research. If they are mistaken, it is your job to correct them. So if it is not in the Bible, such as the college situation, look it up in the publications to find if it is based on Bible principles. If it cannot be found in the Bible or in the publications, or if you find something in the Bible or publications that contradicts the brother or sister, then show it to them. It is best to find something in the publications, not because the publications trump the Bible, but because the publications trump our personal understanding of the Bible. (I'll cover objections to that claim at another time.)

Branch Out and Develop Your Support System

Sometimes our perception of others avoiding us, is really just us avoiding them. Try reaching out. If they are indeed stand-offish, keep treating them lovingly and respectfully. Say high to them each time you see them. Be interested in them. If they refuse to return your interest, don't take it personally. It may simply be their own failing. But don't stop being nice to them. Show them respect as you would to any other brother or sister and as you would want them to treat you. (Matthew 7:12) Do this as much as you need to with all in the congregation, even if it feels one-sided. Maybe your own persistence may change the attitude of the congregation with time, patience, and most of all, your endurance.

Though, usually, you may find that the congregation warms up to your affections soon enough. Try to focus on befriending those in the congregation who seem to be good association, including elders or elder's wives, and pioneers in the congregation. Seek out those who are fine examples in hospitality and showing brotherly affection. It may start with one person who finds your positive attitude refreshing and attractive. Then another will be drawn to you and another, then another. Whether it takes a few weeks or several years, do not give up. Eventually they may come to see you as a valuable and loved member of the congregation.

We're All Human

The important thing to remember is that Jehovah's Witnesses, as individuals, are all imperfect humans. The same problems you find out in the world, you will find in any congregation. The reason is that we are not perfect. If baptism didn't make you perfect, how can you expect it to make any of them perfect? And it is not that the more brothers and sisters are gathered into one place they somehow become more perfect, but more of their flaws may in fact be visible. So always remember that neither you nor the congregation is perfect, and until the new system, no one will be perfect. So be loving, patient and kind, forgiving errors, just as Jehovah forgives your errors. (Matthew 6:11) This is the key that all of us have to exercise, or else there would be no unity at all. [August 2, 2016 at 8:08 pm]

Guest Advisor: This is a very touchy subject. Each person's experiences and demeanor both affect the way they perceive things. When we are dealing with depression (as I did for 10 years), it is easy to blame everyone else and feel persecuted. One thing that turned me around was noticing that I was the only unhappy one at the Hall. No matter how miserable I wanted others to feel, they were happy, I was not. When I stopped blaming others for my problems, things improved. Now, with over 40 years of service, looking back at the depressed time, I never stopped the ministry and never stopped the meetings. However, I did stop declaring my field service activity and my answers at the Hall were always cutting, biting, angry. I finally turned it around with Jehovah's help. [August 2, 2016 at 2:23 pm]

JW Advisor: Speaking of us all being human, there was a good illustration shared on the August JW Broadcast that helped me appreciate this. Though it was applied primarily to seeing the "bigger picture" as regards the Elders, this can serve well here also: When we zoom in on the illustrations in our magazines, all we can see are the colored spots, or the pixels (imperfections). When we zoom out, we can see the whole picture (or person), instead of just the imperfections. So the point is, we can only appreciate the depth and personality of our brothers and sisters if we "zoom out" and see their entire person, instead of only the imperfections. [August 2, 2016 at 5:15 pm]