Hello. A little over 4 years ago, my ex-wife committed adultery and left to move in with her affair partner. At the time, our daughter was 11 and as you can imagine, it was a very painful time for both of us. At this time, my ex sees her daughter once a week, generally.
Over the past 4 years, there have been a few in our congregation who have been supportive, including two elders with whom I'm close friends, and 2 or 3 sisters have been very loving toward my daughter.
What I'm struggling with is that during the past 4 years we haven't had a shepherding call, including when the CO visits. And no Elder has ever brought up the subject of her mother with my daughter (would of course have to be at the Hall or with me present).
I really feel a bit ridiculous asking for she and I to have an official shepherding call since it seems like a situation that obviously calls for it in my mind. I don't know that she would open up, but it would be nice for her to have the opportunity. In addition, while our meeting attendance is good, we struggle getting out in the ministry and I haven't accepted any responsibilities although they have offered them to me. So we're not really doing what we should be, another red flag that things aren't quite right.
I respect your insights and would greatly enjoy hearing your thoughts. If my thinking is off, please let me know. Thank you so much, and great background picture.
JW Advisor: Thank you for your honesty, brother.
The thing is that the elders only perform shepherding calls when they are aware of a problem. Thus, they may not actually be aware of any systemic problem with you. The fact that they offered responsibilities to you suggests that they view you as a spiritually mature brother, which is good. But as you noticed, that perception can tend to leave you without the help you need. So sometimes we simply have to bite the bullet and ask for the help we need.
So, brother, what I want you to do is approach the brothers and ask them for the shepherding call. Let them know what your needs are. Also, choose an elder to be your mentor, someone you feel you can draw close to. When you do that, you will feel more comfortable sharing your concerns with him and he can also be more attuned to your spiritual needs.
The thing is that the elders are humans and they have a limited amount of attention span to spare. As such, sometimes someone can fall through the cracks. We can be glad, though, that we have many elders in most congregations, instead of just one or two and that ministerial servants can assist in elder roles when needed. So there are usually plenty of elders and proxy elders available to assist us, even if we have to ask for the assistance sometimes.
The elders in a healthy congregation truly love everyone in the flock. The elders in my congregation do, and certainly the elder whom I currently call my mentor.
The most important thing we can do for ourselves is to develop a support system, which responsibility belongs to each one of us to do for ourselves. The support system does not simply make itself. So build a support system. Obviously, you have an apartment or home, so why not ask friends over from the congregation from time to time. Look for elder ones that you and your daughter can help. Make play dates for your daughter with others in the congregation. If she is in her teens, then encourage her to branch out to other young sisters in the congregation who are good examples, maybe even suggest a spiritually mature sister for her to view as a mentor. We all need a strong support system, and we can certainly have such a system with the loving brothers and sisters in the congregation. Just thinking about it makes my heart swell to bursting. But they may not really know your needs if you do not step forward and tell someone.
The thing is, you are not a sheep who has wandered from the flock, so that is why they have not given you the attention you may need. But instead of drawing away from the flock to get that attention, draw near to the flock and make friends with our brothers and sisters. This is the gift Jehovah has provided us in the congregation. By drawing closer to our brothers and sisters, praying for them, asking for their help, getting to know them, we draw closer to God because Jehovah want's us to draw close to them and be a family.
I have not bothered to provide scriptures here, because this is straight out of my heart in love and appreciation for your plight. God's word tells us to love our brothers and sisters, and sometimes we show that love by depending upon them and opening up to them about our own needs so that they have an opportunity to broaden out and sacrifice for us. In that way we encourage them to get benefit by becoming more than what they already are. Of course, we do not want to do that all the time, nor turn it into a dynamic, but we need to be mature enough to recognize when we are surrounded by those who love us and want to help.
And thank you for this opportunity to express my love for the brothers and sisters in our organization. They truly do make me happy, and you sharing your concern has made me very happy to be able to help you and give full vindication for my having started this site. Thank you, brother. [July 28, 2016 at 7:02 pm]
ShepherdingNeed wrote [July29, 2016 at 6:17 am]:
Hi. . . . Thanks so much for the thoughtful response, you brought up some points that hadn't occurred to me. I'll definitely be approaching the elders and requesting a shepherding call for myself and my daughter. Thanks again.JW Advisor: We're glad to help. Thanks for sharing it with us, brother. Take care. [July 29, 2016 at 7:04 am]
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